Cowboy Heaven Consulting, LLC
6116 Walker Road
Bozeman, MT 59715
406-587-9563
1-877-613-0404
info@cowboyhvn.com

The Flathead is a great area, no doubt, but we were even more struck than usual by the dichotomy of the inhabitants. On the one hand, you have the very wealthy, mostly part-time residents who own multi-million dollar lakefront mansions, and on the other hand you have the regular folks struggling to get by in an area with low wages and stratospheric real-estate values. That’s true of virtually all recreation and scenery-rich areas throughout the west, but it’s just a little more striking in the Flathead. Or maybe it’s just the formerly timber-based economy that contributes to a certain, shall we say, outlook and style amongst the less affluent strata of the population. Call it hillbilly chic. Before Flathead locals or other readers get all up in arms; thinking I’m one of those doggone elitists or something, I should probably qualify that admittedly judgmental sounding assessment by pointing out that I come from at least as economically endangered of background. My ancestors weren’t gypo loggers or woodhawks, but honyocker dirt farmers from east of the Rockies. Both segments are probably quite similar in the number of artists, intellectuals, and lunatics produced per capita! In my college days I lived with some guys from Libby, up in the northwest corner of the state: a bastion of logging, asbestos problems, and rampant divorce rates and other societal ills amongst unemployed loggers. I spent a fair bit of time up there, and can concur with their assessment that there are some genuinely strange folks living way out there in the woods; ranging from Freeman/Militia/Survivalist types to Rainbow Family/Communal/Polygamist sixties throwbacks. Anyway, I’d better get off this topic before I have everyone mad at me, but suffice to say there is a very noticeable backwoods undercurrent up there in the tall timber of northwest Montana.

We find the situation can offer subtle, unexpected clues to the type of establishments you might want to frequent while vacationing in the Flathead, though. Part of our job, you know, is checking out places our clients might want to visit while adventuring about Big Sky Country. It’s a nasty aspect to our job, to be sure, but….So, this column is going to take on aspects of a restaurant review.

We spent the first night in Kalispell, and decided we should forego our usual favorites to check out some new dining venues. Something fairly casual was in order, and after a perusal of the Yellow Page ads, we decided to check out the Brew Pub on the main intersection of Highways 2 and 93; "Kalispell’s newest fun spot". Our suspicions were alerted upon entry, as it has a prominent casino aspect. If you like video poker, great, but personally we find casinos a blight on the landscape. The food was good, though, with a quite varied menu. If only it kept one’s eyes from drifting to the garish prints of suspiciously gay-looking cowboys and cowgirls, rendered in the "velvet Elvis" style, that serve as the primary decoration. On our departure we were struck by the amount of oil dripped in the parking places outside. We’re not talking about the couple of softball-sized oil stains common to parking lots anywhere; it looked like the Exxon Valdez had parked in every space in the lot. So, on the Cowboy Heaven Coolness Index, the Brew Pub scores a 3 (on a scale of ten). We plan extensive further studies to determine if parking lot oil slicks are a verifiably reliable indicator of what one might expect inside an establishment….

We spent most of the next day in Whitefish, a resort town 12 miles north of Kalispell. Stumptown, as it’s affectionately known locally, was originally home to a tie plant for the railroad, the cutting of which resulted in a lot of tree stumps, hence the nickname. After the Big Mountain Ski Resort was established, that same railroad brought a lot of vacationers, and the ambiance of the town began its transformation to its current charm. Whitefish is a fun place, unless you’re trying to live there on service industry wages, in which case you may find yourself living in a tent out in the woods someplace. Still, it’s one of those great places with a vibrant downtown area of perhaps half a dozen square blocks, packed with great restaurants, pubs, sporting goods stores, boutiques, and galleries. On summer evenings, it’s a great time just walking around, taking in the scene and mingling with a lot of other folks who are having just as much fun as you.

We ate at Truby’s; recommended by an acquaintance who’s a long-time area resident. They have great wood-fired brick oven pizzas, as well as a good selection of other primarily Italian-leaning dishes. Coolness Index rating of 8. They’d have scored higher, but we are into healthy eating, and their dishes were quite rich. Too doggone rich to eat on any kind of regular basis, and seemed slightly out of place in an active, outdoor-recreation based place like the Flathead. Tasty, though. We also went boating on Whitefish Lake. The views are breathtaking, as is the water temperature.

Rounding out our gustatory experiences were breakfasts at a couple of our long-time favorites. No trip to the Flathead could be considered complete without breakfast at the Huckleberry Patch in Hungry Horse. Huckleberry pancakes are one of life’s pleasures, and I like to enjoy them year-round. Unfortunately, we did not have time to pick any berries ourselves, and since the price of berries has escalated to a stratospheric $39/gallon, it looks like we’ll be reduced to eating Washington blueberries on our granola again this coming winter. Anyway, the Patch scores a 6. The food is great, but the atmosphere is a little "touristy".

Our other favorite breakfast spot is the Glacier Highland café in West Glacier. It’s nothing elaborate, just a basic diner, but a favorite with locals and tourists alike. The food is always good, but most enjoyable this time was an interchange with our waitress, a pretty young thing who was obviously suffering from lack of sleep, and/or an excruciating hangover. When my wife ordered ham, the waitress inquired whether she wanted links or patties. Having been in the meat business for about 15 years, we are perhaps overly familiar with the processes involved in turning pigs into breakfast, and were momentarily dumbfounded by this previously unheard-of choice. When queried, the waitress most amusingly chose to not admit she’d had a brain lapse, but rather tried to cover up by explaining that, yes, ham was now available in either links or patties. Kim maintained that she would prefer a slice of ham, if it were available. So, the Highland scores a 7 or 8, depending on your waitress and whether you like to start out the day with a chuckle.

The second night we rented a cabin outside Whitefish. Here at Cowboy Heaven Consulting, we can arrange a wide range of vacation housing for you, and this trip reaffirmed our opinion that a cabin rental puts a regular motel completely in the shade. Motels don’t even make the Coolness Index, whereas cabins can score way up there. These were of relatively new construction, which is only a minor negative point in my view. Of course, old cabins can have their disadvantages also, mainly dense mouse infestations, but it’s usually offset by the historical aspect. These cabins are part of the North Forty resort, and score an 8. Perhaps even a 9, due to them coming equipped with the owner’s dogs, a pair of very friendly Alaskan Malamutes.

Speaking of joys of my life; during my farming days, when harvesting in the withering heat and drought of August, and even now in my dot-com reincarnation, my mind wanders to the cool, green, damp pockets deep in the wilderness where one finds, or at least looks for, big bull elk in early September (with bow in hand, I might add). Bowhunting elk is one of the great, driving passions of my life; as basic and vital an activity as any I know. Those who consider hunters to be knuckle-dragging cretins, well, you may be right ;-)...but....I do a lot of fun stuff outdoors, and nothing is quite in the same league with getting within spitting distance of a mature bull elk, deep in his wilderness habitat, and bringing him to bag with what is essentially a sharpened stick. Just the thought of it brings on an adrenaline rush....If you think hunting to be easy, consider that I've accomplished that end precisely once in many, many dozens of attempts (although I put an elk in the freezer every year, normally with rifle). I've come close a lot, though, which is very nearly as good, and besides, my dues are paid, and I'm overdue for a repeat. On a recent scouting hike, I came on a classic bull elk pocket; an archetypical example of one of those previously mentioned cool, damp, green hideaways deep in the forest. This one was an eight-hour hike, all off-trail, and no, I'm not saying just where.....My son is 12 and able to hunt for the first time this year, and at daylight September 1 (opening day of archery season), we're going to be in that basin. There were five bulls spending the late summer there; two five-points, and three genuinely huge, braggin'-size beauties. I got half-decent photos of two of them. The one laying down is just enormous, the photos don't do him justice. The other, the one with a couple of non-typical points, isn't too shabby either! In very early September, before the rut gets going and they've pulled out in search of female companionship, they'll still be in that basin, and if everything goes right, the antlers of one or two of them may go on our wall to provide a lifetime of memories, and their meat in the freezer to provide a year's protein. Successful or otherwise, I am profoundly thankful for the opportunity to try, and can hardly wait.....